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February 14th, 2005

08:07 am - So you've been watching. I know you must have enjoyed my sordid tale. You've documented and calculated and circled it all in red ink and made a note of everything. You've got me. You've pinned me. You've been digesting every word and I never had a clue until you circled in. You've been peeking through the dusty cracks in my Venetian blinds and seeing the mess inside me, the wreckage inside this rib cage of a room, and now you've got me where you want me because I let a little of myself out. I'm not a saint but my sins don't make me into a Jezebel or a Judas. Don't try to take away from me the smallest and simplest things I have left. From now on, I'm only letting in the ones I trust. If you'd like to be added, drop me an email or leave me a comment. Current Mood: sick

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February 11th, 2005

10:08 am - Sizzle I made banana pancakes "Dancer in the Dark" style this morning when I got out of the shower without my glasses on. It was interesting. I had to squint, get close to the cutting board to dice the 'nanners and had my nose almost flush with the pan so I could tell when the cakes had bubbled up enough to indicate that they were ready to flip. I smeared raspberry jam on them and ate them while in my towel while I did the dishes. I was also late to work today. Current Mood: strange Current Music: Basement Jaxx - Broken Dreams.

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February 10th, 2005

09:41 am - "All this breathing in, never breathing out..." I woke up thinking about you and your black hair, and your crooked smile and sitting in your bed smacking each other with your stuffed llama and reading Twisted Toyfare Theatre. It still shocks me when I think about how much I loved you, how completely intoxicated I was by you everyday and how no one has ever made my heart pound the way you have. I sat there on the edge of my bed thinking about strange little silly things that I do my best not to let my mind drift back to, those things that mean nothing to everyone else but everything to you when you're suspended there and cocooned in that warm, perfect foggy space that two people make together. I closed my eyes and let the slide show pass behind my lids- Your boots on the dash of my car, the way the half moons of pink and white looked on your nails, the smell of the soap in your bathroom and about knitting you that black headband, playing with your cat and those strange ghost shaped salt and pepper shakers that sat on your kitchen window sill. I hate this feeling. I hate knowing that somewhere inside of me a sharp little piece hides, a glinting shard of remembering, a scrap, a sliver, stuck somewhere in the soft flesh of me that wants to be with you just as much as I did in the start. And so I don't feel like myself today. I can't concentrate. I pulled my hair back and up with bobby pins before I left for work and left my face pale. I feel as if I'm high and keep catching my own air, hard in my throat. I want to be someone else. I'm not liking living in my own skin. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Ben Folds Five - Fair.

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February 8th, 2005

01:15 pm - Tee-Hee Somebody on the internet drew my picture today. I feel special. Current Mood: keke schoolgirl Current Music: Stevie Wonder - Part Time Lover.

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February 7th, 2005

10:06 pm - Bridgette, should I hit it with a bat or sing the National Anthem? Oh no-- It's right there and I don't know what to do! Maybe this is what Mother always warned me about!! I shouldn't give away the milk for free!!! No one is ever going to buy the goat if the udders dangle!!!! Current Mood: curious Current Music: Le Tigre - Les & Ray.

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08:51 am - "Server Error" Is anyone else having gmail problems this morning, or are unable to access their accounts? Arrrrgh. Current Mood: grumpy

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February 5th, 2005

04:39 pm - The Hunt I'm sitting here on the freshly vacuumed and Fabreezed rug in my spotless, very good smelling living room listening to "Roxy Music" while I wait to show my apartment to a few people that are supposed to arrive within an hour or so. I'm praying for non-knuckle dragging guys and keeping my fingers crossed that the two girls that are supposed to look at the place won't be Emo trend whores or Fairfax ragee wanna-be dippy hippies. We want: Normal normal normal normal normal normal normal normal. (Or at least something that appears to be sane, perhaps?) Is it too much to ask to find someone to live here who does dishes after they cook, knows how to wash their hair, tries not to have grunting sex with their significant other all the time, goes to bed by one AM, isn't sleeping on the couch every time I walk in and can hold a steady job? Gaak I want this over with. I hate trying to decide if you want to live with someone, see their face every morning/evening, and shit in the same toilet with them every day after having a shallow 15 minute conversation. Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhffffffffffff...Let's just get this done. Current Mood: waiting. Current Music: Roxy Music - Love is The Drug.

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10:08 am - ALL HAIL SAAAATAN! Current Mood: pancake Current Music: Ben Folds Five - Kate.

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February 4th, 2005

11:17 am - I'd like it with mustard, please. Everytime you go away, you take a piece of meat with you. Current Mood: strange

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February 3rd, 2005

09:42 am - Roooooooooooommate - March 1st. Please. Honestly. Really. So here it is folks: I need a roommate March 1st. Krista has decided she really is moving back to Redwood City and will be out in around 3 weeks. If anyone is looking for a spot, please let me know. I'm in panic mode right now because I've got this horrible feeling that the month is going to slip out of my fingers and I'll be left without anyone to move in. I can't afford the rent on my own. I love my apartment and I don't want to move. Craigslist, Roomster and the other roommate sites I've posted on in the past couple of days aren't panning out like I'd like them to and in an ideal world, it'd be awesome to have someone I know move in with me. Most of you know this already but the apartment is: -In Marin County. -Rent is $538 a month, -Utilities are low. (Around 50-60 dollars max a month) -Has a clean shared bathroom/kitchen area. -New carpeting through out apt. -Covered parking space -Laundry room. -Large deck (with plants!). -High speed wireless cable internet. -Is walking distance from Red Hill Shopping center/Safeway/San Anselmo library -You'd get to live with ME! Alix, are you still hunting for a place to live? Does anyone have a friend, a brother, a sister or anyone who isn't a raving lunatic that'd be interested in sharing a place with me? *le sigh* I just need help. Current Mood: stressed

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February 2nd, 2005

11:11 am - If you don't like sappy, then you can just blow it out your hydrant. My boyfriend brought me the most beautiful long steamed peach pink rose, a bag full of jelly beans and a massive box of super Tampons to my work this morning for our two month anniversary. Yep, flowers and feminine products. Dear Christ I love this boy. Current Mood: loved

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08:34 am - Making Castles In The Sky It shocks me how debilitating a simple things like cramps can be. I feel so dead, so run over, so wrung out right now. My stomach keeps rolling into a fist and punching me. I feel like I need to vomit but at this point I don't even think that'll help anything. Is it okay to wake up and feel more exhausted than you did when you went to bed the night before? I'm at work and I've got no choice. I have bills I have to pay and even if I wanted to leave and spend the day balled up in bed I couldn't because we're understaffed. I'd like to be little again, just for a while. Maybe six or seven years old. I want mornings at the farmers market with Mommy, afternoons with a pile of National Geographic magazines and a plate full of apple slices on the couch, making blanket forts in the living room with Ham, rain walks and puddle stomping, bird watching, lunches with Grandma at Comforts, listening to records, baths with my sister and I both mashed together and accusing each other of pooping in the tub, family story time reading "Little House on the Prairie" in my parents bed at night, salt dough and glitter, my rats Pearl and Lily, sprinklers and bobbing for apples at the block party. Mmmhmm. I think I'll go back. Current Mood: uncomfortable Current Music: Bill Withers - Just The Two Of Us.

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February 1st, 2005

09:15 pm - *Pooooof!* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE ONE AND ONLY MIKEY SHUMAKIE! WE LOVE YOU SIR ^__^ ^__^ ^__^ Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: Ben Folds Five - Battle Of Who Could Care Less.

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January 30th, 2005

09:59 am - Thank you Dave for the Blue Hawaiian Boone Juice and also hello Sunday morning. I'm still drunk.

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January 26th, 2005

11:21 am - Energy reserves low, Captain. Don't drink three glasses of wine on a Tuesday night while watching "Dancer in the Dark" at 11:00 PM and then realize that after the movie you forgot to turn the dryer on so your laundry you washed before is still sitting in a wet ball downstairs. Don't decide to put your laundry in the dryer at 12:15 AM and wait up for it and while you're waiting, finish that lovely bottle of wine. Don't smoke a bowl at 1:00 AM with your roommate and then eat toast and drink grapefruit juice and sit there on the couch wondering why life is so damn good and why this particular pair of grey knit socks feel so nice on your feet. I promise you, it will not breed for a good Wednesday morning. *hurrk* *uuuugh* *snuffle* I need a little something to perk me up. This is going to be one long mothafuckin' day. Current Mood: pooped Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Blew Away.

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January 25th, 2005

10:54 am - "I've missed you spinning 'roud my head" I feel good, good, good this morning. I'd like to thank baby Jesus for satin lined brown wool pants, a warm mocha and Vicodin. The only thing plaguing me currently is a spider bite on, of all places, my nipple. It's itching like crazy but I don't think it's too attractive to walk into an office and see the receptionist savagely clawing at her left breast. Ah well...I guess I shall simply suffer in silence and sneak in scratches when no one is looking. I can't wait until I get off work this afternoon. I'm going to buy a bottle of wine, go home, start my laundry, put on my jammys and watch "Blow". I think a certain lesbiant should really come over and join me though. What could be better than a coke movie with Depp in it? I guess I really should be more productive. Back to typing like a chipmunk, working my accounts and answering the phones I go. *le sigh* Current Mood: chipper Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Spaceboy.

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January 23rd, 2005

11:25 pm - "All your prayers, in my ears" I need to go to bed but I can't stop clicking this damn mouse. Dragging myself out from under my sheets at 5:00 AM tomorrow is going to hurt after having the nice weekend sleep-in-until-noonish routine. Oh Monday- I already don't want to look you in the eye. I'm not listening to reason now though. I'm not in the mood. I think I'll go turn the heat up, and make more Peppermint tea and toast a tortilla and put some raspberry jam on it and listen to "Pieces Iscariot" for the third time today and ignore my bedtime. I'd rather be here getting my monitor tan. Current Mood: satisfied Current Music: The Smashing Pumpkins - Whir

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January 21st, 2005

02:24 pm - "It's one a.m. - You haven't called" I need a hug. Current Mood: worn out Current Music: Sleater - Kinney - A Quarter To Three.

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January 20th, 2005

03:06 pm - 1 Hour, 15 minutes and counting *insert grumble* This afternoon has to be one of the slowest moving ones that I've experianced in so long. I keep telling myself not to look at the clock and then when I do it's like "OH GEE, A WHOLE 3.7 MINUTES HAVE PASSED! HUZZAH!" I'm flippin' bored. Current Mood: cranky

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08:26 am - "We're backdrifters..." After hassling, jumping through hoops and knocking heads with the Dell service department for almost two weeks trying to talk them into coming out to fix my brand spankin' new computer (which came fucked directly out of its original box with a bad NIC) they finally sent a tech to my house yesterday. The card we'd told them was bum all along was has been replaced and my sweet, sweet block of a machine is finally functioning. I can play WoW now. I can play WoW now. I can play WoW now. Oh Lord. Oooo good Lord! Other than that things have been rather "blaaaaaah", as long as you minus last night, which was really quite fun. I had Mexican food at this awesome place on 4th St. in San Rafael with Brian called "Christopher's" which makes one of the most magical and this-must-be-made-out-of-love tasting veggie quesadillas ever. After dinner I made him wander around in Walgreen's with me while I attempted and failed not to spend money on pointless cosmetic items until he looked like he was going to start ripping his hair out in chunks. Once we came home we watched "Young Sherlock Holmes" which Brian had never seen it before (that movie rocks it to the bone, by the way) and finally passed out around 11-ish. I must admit though that getting out of a down comforter nest of a bed this morning when it was freezing everywhere else in my frigid apartment while Blondie was snoring happily across from me was less than easy, but at least it's Thursday and this blasted week is almost over... Onwards we go to a couple good days of to boozing by night and sleeping in by day. Mmmmhmmm. I'm so ready for it. Current Mood: geeky Current Music: Radiohead - Backdrifts.

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