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February 14th, 2005

08:07 am - So you've been watching.
I know you must have enjoyed my sordid tale. You've documented and calculated and circled it all in red ink and made a note of everything. You've got me. You've pinned me. You've been digesting every word and I never had a clue until you circled in.

You've been peeking through the dusty cracks in my Venetian blinds and seeing the mess inside me, the wreckage inside this rib cage of a room, and now you've got me where you want me because I let a little of myself out.

I'm not a saint but my sins don't make me into a Jezebel or a Judas. Don't try to take away from me the smallest and simplest things I have left.

From now on, I'm only letting in the ones I trust.

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Current Mood: sicksick

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February 11th, 2005

10:08 am - Sizzle
I made banana pancakes "Dancer in the Dark" style this morning when I got out of the shower without my glasses on. It was interesting. I had to squint, get close to the cutting board to dice the 'nanners and had my nose almost flush with the pan so I could tell when the cakes had bubbled up enough to indicate that they were ready to flip.

I smeared raspberry jam on them and ate them while in my towel while I did the dishes.

I was also late to work today.
Current Mood: highstrange
Current Music: Basement Jaxx - Broken Dreams.

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February 10th, 2005

09:41 am - "All this breathing in, never breathing out..."
I woke up thinking about you and your black hair, and your crooked smile and sitting in your bed smacking each other with your stuffed llama and reading Twisted Toyfare Theatre. It still shocks me when I think about how much I loved you, how completely intoxicated I was by you everyday and how no one has ever made my heart pound the way you have.

I sat there on the edge of my bed thinking about strange little silly things that I do my best not to let my mind drift back to, those things that mean nothing to everyone else but everything to you when you're suspended there and cocooned in that warm, perfect foggy space that two people make together. I closed my eyes and let the slide show pass behind my lids- Your boots on the dash of my car, the way the half moons of pink and white looked on your nails, the smell of the soap in your bathroom and about knitting you that black headband, playing with your cat and those strange ghost shaped salt and pepper shakers that sat on your kitchen window sill.

I hate this feeling. I hate knowing that somewhere inside of me a sharp little piece hides, a glinting shard of remembering, a scrap, a sliver, stuck somewhere in the soft flesh of me that wants to be with you just as much as I did in the start.

And so I don't feel like myself today. I can't concentrate. I pulled my hair back and up with bobby pins before I left for work and left my face pale. I feel as if I'm high and keep catching my own air, hard in my throat. I want to be someone else. I'm not liking living in my own skin.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Ben Folds Five - Fair.

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February 8th, 2005

01:15 pm - Tee-Hee
Somebody on the internet drew my picture today. I feel special.

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Current Mood: happykeke schoolgirl
Current Music: Stevie Wonder - Part Time Lover.

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February 7th, 2005

10:06 pm - Bridgette, should I hit it with a bat or sing the National Anthem?
Oh no-- It's right there and I don't know what to do! Maybe this is what Mother always warned me about!! I shouldn't give away the milk for free!!! No one is ever going to buy the goat if the udders dangle!!!!

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Current Mood: curiouscurious
Current Music: Le Tigre - Les & Ray.

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08:51 am - "Server Error"
Is anyone else having gmail problems this morning, or are unable to access their accounts?

Current Mood: grumpygrumpy

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February 5th, 2005

04:39 pm - The Hunt
I'm sitting here on the freshly vacuumed and Fabreezed rug in my spotless, very good smelling living room listening to "Roxy Music" while I wait to show my apartment to a few people that are supposed to arrive within an hour or so. I'm praying for non-knuckle dragging guys and keeping my fingers crossed that the two girls that are supposed to look at the place won't be Emo trend whores or Fairfax ragee wanna-be dippy hippies. We want: Normal normal normal normal normal normal normal normal. (Or at least something that appears to be sane, perhaps?)

Is it too much to ask to find someone to live here who does dishes after they cook, knows how to wash their hair, tries not to have grunting sex with their significant other all the time, goes to bed by one AM, isn't sleeping on the couch every time I walk in and can hold a steady job? Gaak I want this over with. I hate trying to decide if you want to live with someone, see their face every morning/evening, and shit in the same toilet with them every day after having a shallow 15 minute conversation.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhffffffffffff...Let's just get this done.
Current Mood: nervouswaiting.
Current Music: Roxy Music - Love is The Drug.

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Current Mood: bouncypancake
Current Music: Ben Folds Five - Kate.

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February 4th, 2005

11:17 am - I'd like it with mustard, please.
Everytime you go away, you take a piece of meat with you.

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Current Mood: surprisedstrange

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February 3rd, 2005

09:42 am - Roooooooooooommate - March 1st. Please. Honestly. Really.
So here it is folks: I need a roommate March 1st. Krista has decided she really is moving back to Redwood City and will be out in around 3 weeks. If anyone is looking for a spot, please let me know.

I'm in panic mode right now because I've got this horrible feeling that the month is going to slip out of my fingers and I'll be left without anyone to move in. I can't afford the rent on my own. I love my apartment and I don't want to move. Craigslist, Roomster and the other roommate sites I've posted on in the past couple of days aren't panning out like I'd like them to and in an ideal world, it'd be awesome to have someone I know move in with me.

Most of you know this already but the apartment is:

-In Marin County.
-Rent is $538 a month,
-Utilities are low. (Around 50-60 dollars max a month)
-Has a clean shared bathroom/kitchen area.
-New carpeting through out apt.
-Covered parking space
-Laundry room.
-Large deck (with plants!).
-High speed wireless cable internet.
-Is walking distance from Red Hill Shopping center/Safeway/San Anselmo library
-You'd get to live with ME!

Alix, are you still hunting for a place to live? Does anyone have a friend, a brother, a sister or anyone who isn't a raving lunatic that'd be interested in sharing a place with me?

*le sigh* I just need help.
Current Mood: stressedstressed

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